How Learning About My Child’s Emotions Helped Me Understand My Own

When Advik was born, I was lost. Call it postpartum emotions or just the weight of everything changing at once, but those first fifteen months were brutal. I have always been an alpha human, very headstrong, and always excelled at what I did. But this time I was failing badly. Every day felt like a struggle. I did not know how to be a parent. I felt lost, isolated and depressed.

It took me more than an year to navigate through the fog, to slowly reclaim some control of my life and accept my new reality. And once I did, I wanted to make it right. I started reading everything I could find on parenting. How to understand my child better. How to be a good mother.

I remember being constantly frustrated and reactive. When he cried, I cried too or had intense emotional outbursts. But once I began learning about emotions and how they actually work, it was a revelation.

I started to see where my anger came from. I learned about the concept of emotional cup, about feeling safe, about the upper and lower brain, and what happens in moments of intense emotions. While I began this research to understand my child better, I ended up learning so much about myself.

I learned how to manage my emotions better, how to notice the triggers, and instead of snapping instantly, how to pause and respond with more calm.

We have all heard that children do not do what we say, they do what they see. An angry, frustrated mother who snaps at everything cannot expect her child to stay calm. I had to model what I wanted him to learn.

Even today, whenever I read something new about my child’s developing emotions and psychology, I realize I am actually learning more about myself. This journey of understanding my child’s emotions has been just as much about becoming a better mother as it has been about becoming a better version of me.

If you relate to this and want to explore your own emotions as a parent, therapy can be a safe space to start. Book a session with a trained perinatal therapist and get support to understand your feelings, manage stress and build a calmer, more connected relationship with your child.