Label the feeling, not the child

I often hear fellow parents talk about their kids.

• He is such a difficult kid, just doesn’t listen at all.

• She just won’t eat without the TV.

• He is just not able to adjust in school. Every morning is a battle for us.

• She’s such a shy kid, never mingles with anyone.

  
  

But honestly, kids aren’t good, bad or difficult. They’re just kids. Still learning how to handle their feelings. Half the time they don’t even know what to do with their big emotions, so they act it out. And how we react to their emotional outbursts is actually what shapes their behavior.

Why Kids Repeat Stuff

Classic scene in the supermarket. Kid wants chocolate. You say no. He screams louder, throws himself on the floor. After a while you give in. What did he learn? Tantrums work. Next time he’ll scream again, maybe even louder.

Same with food and screens. You came back home tired from a long day at work and wanted to quickly finish feeding so you put on the TV “just once.” He loved it. Now every meal he demands screen. You try everything, doesn’t work, you give in. Done. Cycle set.

Kids are wired to test boundaries and repeat what works. If crying or hitting or refusing gets them the desired action, they’ll do it again. They’re not being “difficult,” they’re just learning cause and effect.

Look for the Why

My neighbor once mentioned during an evening walk, “my elder one has become so clingy these days.” She was frustrated, already stretched thin with two kids. I asked her if she had thought about why. Maybe the child was just missing her attention after the baby arrived. I suggested she try involving her elder one and give small responsibilities like fetching a diaper, holding the towel during bath time or helping choose the baby’s clothes.

A week later she came back so relieved. She said it worked. When kids feel in charge, their mood is lighter, they listen better. What looked like “bad behavior” was actually just a call for attention.

Teaching big feelings

When my son, Advik was 2 we noticed that he had sudden bursts of emotions. One moment he’d be happily playing, the next he’d start screaming and getting upset over the smallest thing. I tried what I knew then, using authority, even a bit of muscle power to stop him. Raising my voice, giving him the “look.” But none of it helped. In fact most times it made things worse.

Around that time I was reading a book called The Whole-Brain Child (I’ll share more about this in another blog). It taught me to separate the child from the behavior and focus on teaching emotional skills.

Here are some tools and techniques from my own experience:

The first thing I did was put up a feelings chart in his room. Simple ones like happy, sad, angry or scared. We would look at it together when he was in a good mood and make a game out of naming feelings. That way, he picked it up without pressure. If you’d like to try this at home, you can download the same feelings chart I used here.

Next, I created a small calm corner right near the chart. Nothing fancy. Just a few squishy balls, a sensory bottle, a small cozy spot. It was engaging but also relaxing.

Once he understood a few basic feelings, we started using it in the moment. If we noticed he was bubbling up with anger or frustration, we’d connect first - just hug him quietly and then help him name what he was feeling. Over time, all we had to say was “let’s go to the calm corner.” He would go on his own, point to the feeling on the chart. Within minutes, you could see the tension melting.

Call it distraction or stress management, but it worked out well. Even today it helps. We don’t have the calm corner anymore (he broke most of it anyway), but now he doesn’t need it. Both me and him have learned to pause and self-regulate when faced with big feelings. 

Why Labels Hurt

When we call kids ‘bad’ or ‘difficult,’ even if we don’t mean it, they start to believe it and act that way.

There are no bad or difficult kids. Just bad or unpleasant actions. Instead of saying “stop behaving this way” or “you’re such a bad boy for acting like this,” try acknowledging what they are feeling “I know you’re angry because I said no” or “I know you really want to be with mommy all the time....”

Think of a time when someone acknowledged how you were feeling and gave you a warm hug. How did it feel? Did you feel the pain melting away?

Now think of a time when someone brushed off your feelings, saying “stop overreacting,” “it’ll be fine,” or “it happens to everyone, forget about it.” Did you really forget about it?

If you separate the feelings from the action, they learn two things:

1. Feelings are okay.

2. Not every action is okay.

Parenting isn’t about raising a “good” or "disciplined" kid, it’s about helping them deal with feelings in a healthy way. It takes time and you will not always get it right, that is fine. Even small things like helping them notice their emotions and talk about why they feel that way can make a big difference. Try it and see how it shifts the mood at home. And if you have stories or questions, drop them in the comments, I would love to hear.